An Anniversary weekend
Musings of someone who ruined her wedding anniversary!
Last Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a happy day. We had just returned from a trip, so we spent the morning speaking to our parents in India, having them pray over us and, above all, feeling thankful for the many ways God had blessed us over the last two decades. It was a good day.
But as you might have guessed, it was a little too good to last. Fast forward to the weekend, and we were in a full-blown argument by 8 am. Call it being tired or being stressed over a busy weekend, or perhaps I could blame menopause - whatever it was, it was an argument that I just could not let go of.
In fairness to him, he tried hard to de-escalate the situation, but I was not having any of it. I was not just angry; I was furious, and I wanted not just to punish him but also myself. My pride ruined what had started as a promising and joy-filled weekend. Or what my husband called “perverted pride.” I wouldn't say I liked that term. I wouldn't know I wanted that he called me out on it, but it was true.
Not only was I not willing to accept my mistake, nor was I willing to take the grace he extended me. I stayed angry for the entire day, ruining every plan that had been made. Not wanting to cancel our plans, we went through our day silently, pretending everything was OK. A pretty great way to celebrate 22 years, huh? We argued into the evening, and I went to bed telling myself I could salvage what was left of the weekend.
The desire for control & perfectionism
Like many people, I wouldn’t say I like being told where I am wrong. I pride myself on being right, saying and doing the right things, and striving for perfectionism. Being human, I fail often, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. In the last two decades of marriage, I have stopped trying to exercise control over my spouse, but I hold myself to a crazy high standard.
We are often told that we can never change another person, but we can change ourselves. But sometimes, therein lies the trouble. We fight so hard for the change in ourselves that it can turn into an obsession or the striving for perfection, which often leads to no room for grace- the grace offered by the people around us ( in this case, my husband) or the grace offered to us by our Heavenly Father.
My husband was willing to forgive me, move past the fight and enjoy the rest of the day. But I was unwilling to accept his forgiveness, forgive myself, or listen to God. I was pretty content to wallow in self-pity and my perverted pride! It felt like I had the upper hand by holding onto my anger, but all I succeeded in was making myself and the others around me miserable.
I had to ask myself, “Why this desperate need for control or this striving for perfectionism?” I also had to admit that this need showed up in my marriage much more than in any other area of my life. I could never let arguments go; if I was wrong, I needed to self-flagellate to prove myself worthy of love and acceptance.
I can sense the tension in our marriage much earlier than my husband, which often makes me pre-empt his responses and reactions. So, I can usually choose my words and actions, ensuring we stay on the right track, knowing I can control the outcome.
I would go over our conversations and arguments for hours, sometimes days, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, how I could have prevented the argument, and how I could continue to ensure I had control over myself to prove myself worthy. I know my husband loves me, and I don’t need to prove myself to him, but patterns formed since childhood often creep up when you least expect it. I have dealt with the need to please and prove myself worthy for years.
Learning to let go and surrender to God
I realized that day I needed to let go of this desperate desire for control, this desire to be perfect, to not just show myself grace but have the ability to accept the grace that was offered to me. How could I be so filled with “perverted pride” that I could deny the grace freely offered to me by my Father in Heaven? How could I hurt my husband by denying the grace and forgiveness he showed me? That made me a selfish sinner.
My self-pity was a wasted emotion. I could have chosen grace and found freedom that day. I could have turned that day around and allowed joy in. But I gave in to my pride and selfish heart.
On Sunday at church, I sat with a broken and bruised heart. I was ashamed and knew I needed to get it right with God and my husband. I knew the sermon was for everyone in the church, but it felt like it was just for me. The preacher taught us how Jesus used Peter’s failures and lack of trust to raise him to be a leader. We see in Peter a man who loved Jesus but, in the end, betrayed Him. We see in Peter a man who lost his trust in God and was deeply ashamed of his actions. We also see a tender Christ asking Peter if he loved Him, asking him to feed His sheep, and recommissioning Peter. Jesus had a plan for Peter, and his failures were not wasted.
It was an important lesson for me to learn. I could have continued to wallow in my emotions or surrendered my pride to Jesus and allowed Him to work.
Sissy Matthew, Teaching Pastor at Irving Bible Church, says, “In the face of our most stunning failures, Jesus offers extravagant forgiveness, joy-filled purpose, and fullness of life.”
I sat in church telling myself that I had failed. I had strived so hard to get it right, but this time, I messed up pretty badly, and I was unsure if I could return from it. But I needed the reminder that Jesus was ready to offer me His extravagant forgiveness. All I needed to do was to love and trust Him.
Does this mean I am perfect now and won’t ever make the same mistake? No, I am sure I will fall again because I am human and prone to sin. I am inclined to be prideful. I need to be aware of the areas in my life that trigger angry responses. I need to be more trusting of my husband and stop pre-empting his every action. It's easier said than done, but no one ever said marriage was easy. Marriage requires commitment and hard work, trusting God, and surrendering our pride and egos. Reminding ourselves that if our Father in Heaven can forgive us, we ought to forgive others the same way. Trusting in His Word for the fullness of life promised to us. Jesus is there offering me and us His grace. He does not care about perfectionism. All we have to do is Trust & Obey.
“When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God, and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”
C. S. Lewis to Mrs. Johnson, November 8, 1952
“Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not 'How can we hide our wounds?' so we don't have to be embarrassed but 'How can we put our roundedness in the service of others?”
Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Healer
You bare your soul and show us how you feel in the most honest way. It takes a lot of courage and humility to do so. I applaud you and I am so proud of you. God bless you.