Doing Great things for God

Musings of someone who has had a rough week

The last week has been rough. I am not a creature of change, so when routines change, it affects me physically and emotionally. Between the long weekend of Easter and having our children at home, having their friends at home off and on, and multiple church services during the Holy Week, I entered Monday feeling exhausted.

Don’t get me wrong; I needed the Holy Week services to contemplate the death of our Lord and celebrate His resurrection on Easter Sunday. But I would much instead have spent the rest of the weekend resting versus around people. And while I spent most of my time around people, which I love, it also emotionally exhausted me. Moreover, being a creature of habit, I crave consistency. So, Monday felt like Sunday, and I had lost an entire week by the time Tuesday rolled around.

Added to the change in schedule, I am also marching my life through perimenopause, which can be defined as the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years. Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition. This can last between 8-10 years for most women and brings mood swings, unpredictable sleep, and hot flashes. It’s not a joyride for any woman!

So, here I am on a Friday, feeling like I have wasted an entire week. While I managed to limp my way into some form of routine on Wednesday, despite having done “some” work, I still feel useless, discouraged, a failure, and like an impostor!

I am researching upcoming articles with rapidly approaching deadlines, and I am nowhere near completed. And I have to keep writing on this Substack to hold myself accountable and perhaps to keep me relevant (What would happen if people forgot me?).

I do not feel very qualified to write anything most of the time, and the impostor syndrome is well and alive in me. My professor and mentor, Dr.G, often reminds me to lay down the impostor syndrome. It sits on my shoulder every day, but on some weeks, it's heavier than others. As someone who struggles with insecurity, I often feel ill-equipped despite being surrounded by a community that constantly encourages me.

During these rough seasons, I have found that few things restore faith in me as a human and faith in what God has equipped me to do.

I remind myself to trust Him daily and lay down the impostor syndrome that tempts me often. It might be a struggle all my life, and that’s OK. I need to listen to the voice of God and not this nuisance that tells me that I am not good enough.

I know He has blessed me with skills and talents that are uniquely mine. He has also been faithful. So, while this week might have felt off, slow-moving & perhaps even wasteful, I know He will multiply my time.

I also remind myself while having a routine is good, breaking it up now and then is necessary for my soul. It was annoying to mess up my schedule at the beginning of this week, but I had a great conversation with my young adult son before he headed back to university. That filled my soul, and I know it filled his! We both needed that time to connect. I also had the opportunity to meet with many of his friends and visit with them. So that was not wasted time.

I had the opportunity to have dinner with a friend going through a divorce. It was an investment in our friendship, listening and praying with her as she navigated this new season of life she least expected. It renewed my hope in our God, who is walking with her, and taught me to listen well and practice compassion. Sometimes I am so consumed with my problems I forget to listen to others.

My husband and I got to celebrate our daughter at school for an award ceremony, and once again, I was reminded of God’s goodness & faithfulness to our family. Sometimes I forget to delight in the little blessings in life, and this was a good reminder that even when I did not feel God this week, He was still working in the nooks and crannies of my life.

Yesterday and today, I had the opportunity to connect and speak with new friends and industry professionals about prospective projects. At every conversation, I was affirmed and encouraged by them. Through their words, I was reminded that God has a plan, and God has good work for me to do. He is already doing that; having a slow week or an off week is not the end of the world.

I just need a little faith, and perhaps while hitting a high on Easter Sunday and dealing with hormones might have caused me to hit a low, I need to look at this week as more of a speed bump on my path and not the end of the road.

Over the years, I have found deep appreciation and value in using Liturgy during my prayer time. Sometimes written liturgies give us words when we do not know how to pray

This week I used a liturgy taken from Every Moment Holy Volume I

Sections Adapted from A Liturgy for Those Who Have Not Done Great Things for God

Part 1: For the Petitioner

How many times have I been told Christ by well-meaning people,

That it is my destiny and my charge to go out into the world and do great things for you?

How many times in response have I prayed earnestly, asking that you would bring such things to pass- that you might use me mightily for the work of your kingdom?

How many times have I then waited expectantly, and waited, and waited for that great thing, whatever it might be, to be made obvious?

How many times have I felt then, the gradually settling weight of disillusionment, of disappointment and confusion when no great thing materialized, when no life-changing opportunity suddenly arrived at my doorstep, when no such moment of call or clarity was ever manifest at all?

I am always faced again with the unglamorous reality of my own life: of my ongoing failure to simply love well the people around me and of my ever-present struggle even to desire and pursue a path of righteousness and obedience in my own small choices and habits.

In such times O Lord, I am left wondering if I have somehow missed your call completely, and whether I might just as well abandon this pilgrim path entirely for I fear that you must see me as I see myself, unfit for any service to you or to your people or to this world.

Was it wrong that I should even desire to do great things for you, Jesus?

Do I need more faith? More righteousness? More of your Spirit? Or have you simply judged me unworthy of your services? Where, O Lord, do I go from here?

Part II: For the Intercessor

O Child of God, listen well and be comforted. He has never judged you unfit for any service he has called you to. For it is in Christ’s righteousness he has clothed you.

And his measure of greatness has never been your own. If you would pray to do great things for your God, then you must pray such prayers without regard for how they should be answered.

Pray them knowing that in his true and holy reckoning such greatness will often be expressed in a long practice of humble and sacrificial servanthood and not in any pursuit promising a rise to power, position or prestige.

Examine well your heart and motives, before asking that his greatness be displayed in your life. When he answers, it will not be on your terms.

For it is not you that will do any great thing for God, but God laboring in you and through you who will greatly accomplish his own good purposes according to the workings of his sovereignty and love.

Be liberated now from this burden of believing that anything depends upon you.

Be invested instead, child, in simple obedience to your king and in long faithfulness to his call, shepherding daily those gifts and tasks and relationships he has entrusted to you, regardless of outcomes and appearances.

He will bring all things right in his way and in his time. All he asks is your willingness.

Be content in the station he has appointed you to in this season and yet be every ready to move at the impulse of his love. Tend well those things that are before you, however humble they be, and he will lead you in time to other good works he has appointed for you.

Seek not your own glory. Seek God and his glory will be seen in you, radiant in humility and in the strength of his might made manifest even in your brokenness, evident even in the smallest of services, even though they be seen by none by you and him; your reward is secure.

So, here I am at the end of this week and musing on what I had planned and accomplished. It might not have gone exactly how I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed. And the month is not over, and time has not ended. My time is in His hand; my call is simple: obey Him.