Have I been Productive?

The musings of someone coming out of a four day ice storm.

Yesterday a friend mentioned that even though we in Texas have been home-bound for three days due to the ice storm, she still had to be super productive at home. She had no excuse because of the gift of technology. I must clarify that this friend is a college professor, and when North Texas began to close schools and universities on Tuesday, many universities pivoted to online education.

So, while she loved teaching and investing in young minds, she still felt she needed to be as productive as she would have been if she had been on campus. So I was able to empathize with her a little. 

While I am not a teacher, I work from home, and writing can be lonely. You have your thoughts, vision, and hours of research, and sure, there are days of inspiration, but the majority of the time, it's a discipline. Most writers have good and bad days, but all writers structure their time. I often set 30-minute blocks just to get words on a page before I deep dive into another round of research or do a load of laundry. I work from home most days, but sometimes the local library or a coffee shop is helpful. But it gets more complicated on ice storm days when everyone is under house arrest. 

When the children were younger, on snow days, we baked cookies, played in the snow, or made popsicles overnight on the front porch. Of course, there was also a lot of cooking, as the human body craves carbs in the cold. But now, the children are grown up and do not need me as much.

This leaves me to my own devices, and often that turns to work. I usually live in an ideological space in my head. I dream and long for the day when I can drink tea and read all day. I could go for long walks and have lingering lunches with friends. I would finally find time to watch the movies I have always wanted. While not a huge TV watcher, I keep adding shows and movies to my list but never actually find time to watch them. But most of the time, I have this ideal in my head, which never happens when faced with reality.

I am too driven by a sense of duty ever to slow down. In some ways, I miss having younger children because they forced me to slow down. Now that they are older, I judge myself when I have not used the day well. 

It's frustrating when the world slows down, yet you compete with yourself for achievement and productivity. Let me not start with social media and its effect on me and many others. Comparison might be the thief of contentment, but I would argue it stems from insecurity.

 It could be the insecurity of not measuring up and the insecurity of not feeling worthy. We, humans, find our worth in what we produce, our accomplishments, and what we contribute to society.

As someone who has spent years in small groups, Bible studies, and discussion groups, the conversation around accomplishments & productivity and the struggle to get off the hamster wheel never go away.

Someone always brings it up, encouraging others to share their struggles, and we commiserate. We pray for each other, leave feeling better, yet fall into the same trap the following week.

I don't know why it is so hard for us to slow down and savour life. What do we fear when we slow down? Are we afraid we will miss something? Or is it just the fear of not measuring up? We could say we are just trying to make the most of time and be helpful, but for me, it's fear. Fear of not being worthy. Fear of not doing enough. Fear of being irrelevant. Fear that no one will remember me if I don't do something worthwhile. Those are my insecurities, and those lead me to comparison.

I could take a walk and appreciate nature, read a book, watch a TV show which makes me laugh or cry, take a nap, or call an old friend. I could get to the end of the day by doing things that filled my soul versus going through a checklist. But most of the time, I don't.

I have often spent days feeling like the character from the book, "If you give A Mouse a Cookie" This little mouse's energy and needs grew from one cookie until he came full circle. He was not happy and just sat and nibbled the cookie. I have often started with one project and ended my day having completed multiple projects, bone tired, exhausted, and cranky but feeling like a superwoman! On the other end of the spectrum, I have felt disgruntled and worthless on days when I have done barely anything. 

I find it hard to slow down. It is a constant battle. Growing up in India, we often had power cuts during the summer. It was a method of conserving electricity during the brutal summer months so that we would be without power for about five to six hours every day. Most homes would schedule their cooking, washing, etc., to get everything done by the time the power stations cut the electricity. After that, it was just downtime. We would sit on the front porch for hours with neighbours, cousins waiting for the cool breeze to set in. We usually ate cold rice with yoghurt for dinner. Sometimes we would pick fresh jasmine flowers from the blossoming bush and turn them into garlands. Time slowed down, and it was a way for everyone in the community to relax and rest. Some nights they would not depend on the power till midnight. So, we would spread palettes or mats on the terrace and sleep outdoors. Sure, the mosquitoes would get us, but it was also fun and made for special memories.

Today, God forbid, if there were a power cut in my neighborhood, I would probably be the first person calling Oncor and finding a way to get back to Wifi and connectivity!

I could live without electricity, but I would probably howl if I did not have the Internet! Connectivity is essential, and the Internet also helps me be productive. Be it writing, researching, making Zoom calls, finding a recipe, shopping for groceries online, ordering stuff on Amazon & staying in touch with people, and by that, I mean texting! We love connectivity, but we would rather text than call someone. I can count on my fingers the number of times some of my closest friends have called me. I don't call them either. Texting seems less intrusive.

So, here I am on Day 4 of the ice storm. Finally, things are thawing, and people seem to have stepped out. And yet, I am looking back on the four days, wondering if I have been productive enough.

Have I baked cookies, made soup, read books, worked out, cleaned a closet, written an essay, or researched enough? Have I done enough to consider myself a productive person, so I can tell my people about it when I finally leave the house? Or will I be OK to say to them that I did not do much, watched TV, slept in more, did not work out, took a few calls, and sipped my coffee slowly while reading? Is that good enough? Am I lesser of a human for not doing much? Will I be judged silently for not having accomplished much? Will I always value productivity over simply being human?

Now back to my friend, the professor. She has half a day of classes today, where she plans to hand out some extra reading assignments and give her students the rest of the day off. She is compensated for her productivity and wants to be true to that. But she also knows it's OK to take time off for herself & her students. She is thankful for technology and its myriad benefits but is also OK with rest. 

I am conflicted about the last four days of forced rest. Not sure if I am thankful or consider them wasted time. But at least I have made time to muse on them, and hopefully, I have gained a little wisdom for the next ice storm

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