He Restores my Soul

The last 15 days have been hard. Rough, challenging, emotionally exhausting, and I have been completely sleep-deprived. One would think that if you have been to seminary and been theologically trained, you have the answers to all of life’s tough questions. But unfortunately, life does not work that way.

When you are a perfectionist, it gets worse. Most of the time, the voices in my head keep saying - You are not enough, you will never be good enough, all the others are way better than you, more intelligent, more well-read, they teach the Bible, they are doing worthwhile work. 

It is a daily choice and a struggle to turn away from those voices, or as my mentor & friend, Dr.Glahn, would say -you have to lay down that Impostor syndrome. But, boy, that thing is like an albatross around my neck. It never goes away, and I have such a hard time choosing every day to lay it down.

But lay it down, I must. Why? Because while there will always be better trained and more well-equipped people than me, it does not mean that God cannot use me. He has used me and will continue to use me. 

When I am weak, I am always reminded that He is strong.No, I will never be enough, but He is more than enough. He will work through me and in me.

When you are sleep-deprived, it's hard to do the things you love, like read, write, or research. I have felt like I've been weighed down the last few weeks with metaphorical bricks holding me down, and the only thing which has got me through has been praise and the breath prayers - Lord, I need you. Jesus, you are enough.

After 15 days, last night, I finally had a good sleep. It was not long, but it was deeply restorative, and I would love to share the verses which helped me last night.

“I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the LORD was watching over me.” (Psalm 3:5)

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul."(Psalm 94:19)

You see, it's easy for us to be kinder to the people around us than it is to ourselves. Although I do an excellent job of taking care of the people around me, I forget to show myself grace.

Showing myself grace is a sign of weakness and not strength. But that is a lie.  We are all so good at shaming ourselves and so often get caught up in this toxic thought pattern.

I need to remind myself and arm myself with the truth of God's word and scripture.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. "(2 Corinthians 10:5)

The more I stay in that toxic thought pattern, the more I give the devil room to attack me. The devil gets powerful, and I often get stuck. I feel helpless.

I forget that I am called to set sights on the One who has called me. The One who has redeemed me and saved me and the One who calls me worthy. I need His truth.

This is Spiritual warfare, and the only way to go into this battle is to be armed with the truth of God's goodness and His power. He has always been faithful and will continue to be faithful. So I needed to remind myself of His goodness and His truth.

There will always be hard seasons in my life; there will be sleepless nights, worries and anxieties over sick children, and hormonal imbalances in your 40's which wreak havoc on daily existence. But the God of my life will never change, and the one truth which gets more real to me every day is the time I spend with Him. I crave time with Him like a needle needs a vein (a crazy metaphor, I know), but it's the truth.

My family and friends are good for me and life-giving but resting in God's presence, singing His praise, and thanking Him for what He does for me and for being with me is soul-restoring. Oh, and perhaps also writing these experiences also has a cathartic effect for sure! So, ha, maybe while I am learning how to be a writer, I can also accept that there might be a writer inside of me! 

When I choose to put away toxic thoughts, lay down the stupid impostor syndrome, and choose to focus on God's truth in my life and allow His words to wash over me, I can live the abundant life He has called me to. I am filled with His confidence and joy. In Him, I am daily transformed by the renewing of my mind. When I believe His love for me, I live out that love, and it touches everyone in my path. I can work the roles in my life with joy and not guilt or shame.

He restores my soul, and He calls me to be with Him. I hope this brings encouragement to those who might be facing a similar struggle, and I pray you will find rest, renewal of your mind, and peace in Him who gives us peace that passeth all understanding.

Here is a prayer I found online many years ago. I have it in my kitchen to read every morning.

Lord, the time I spend in your presence really allows me to see myself honestly through your eyes, righteous because of Jesu but only because of Jesus. Remind me, Holy Spirit, to practice prayer without ceasing every day of my life. Not just in the thorny seasons. Remind me when things are tough that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Amen.