I am Loved.

I desperately needed to see/hear this word today. Its been a very challenging week of ups and downs. I never realized on Monday morning that by Friday, so much in life could have changed and things you never thought possible would have happened.

Monday morning, I told my kids we would enjoy the last two days before school started. So we kept things easy, slow, and lazy, soaking in every minute of downtime and rest. Tuesday, we had lunch with friends and got our backpacks ready, and laid out school clothes.

But by Tuesday night, things started going downhill slowly but steadily. My husband and my son got into an argument over our son's commute to high school, and from a discussion, it progressed into a full-scale argument. With a tremendous lack of wisdom and maturity, I entered the conversation only to make it worse and be told to stay out of it. Needless to say, that night was not pleasant. I went to bed with a sick stomach. 

For the sake of the children, my husband and I held our peace for the first day of school, and we actually got them to school on time and happily. But when we got back home, I received some news that shook the ground underneath my feet. A dear friend lost her husband of 18 years suddenly, with no warning. He passed away the day after their vacation leaving behind his wife and 3 sons. 

One doesn't expect a healthy 47-year-old just to die, and as a community of friends, we were all shaken to the core. It could happen to any of us. It just did. Was there a message here? Was God using this as a way of yelling at us? Wake up, people! Wake up!

As I wept over this news, my husband hugged me, and for a moment, there was peace between us. Yet, he could also see through this tragedy how temporary life is.

James 4:14 says, "Why you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

We are only here for a moment in time, and we will never know how long that time will be.

But our humanity and pride have such a stronghold over us. (NIV)

I want to say with that news, we put aside our differences and moved forward, but honestly, I don't know if we did. We were contemplative, introspective, and quiet. I think we each dug deep into ourselves to figure out where we had lost the way. Because this argument had opened areas in our life we had never explored and where we discovered we had challenges. We needed to decide whether we were going to work to overcome these challenges or just ignore them.

So for the last few days, as we have seen our friend process the various tasks that come after death, we realized how much time we waste in life with anger and pride. Pride has such a hold over us. As believers, we ought not to make space for self-pity in our lives, but I personally love to wallow in it. When we have been freely given grace, why do we choose self-pity? I keep asking myself that all the time. 

Is it because I don't believe I need grace or that someone could love me? There are days when I don't feel lovable, and  I think I am unworthy of God's grace, but at the same moment, I realize how very wrong I am. His grace to me is freely given and given out of love, and how could I possibly have the right to refuse it? How could I turn it down when He is standing there saying, child, I am here, come to me. 

So as I sit here this morning and reflect on the events of this week, I can be certain that our Father in Heaven won't throw my failure back in my face. His grace is available freely for me, and I am loved. Despite the challenges in life and the moments when things feel like they are falling apart, I can know for certain; I am never far from His grace. I just need to accept what He is giving me free and allow myself to be loved. I cannot make myself lovable or live a life where I will someday be perfect for allowing God to love me. He already does, even when I have screwed up big time. My reminder for today is to be able to accept that. I take encouragement in this scripture which caught my eye, and prays that His grace will be sufficient for the day.

1 Corinthians 15:10 -But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. (NIV)