Mid-Faith Crisis
Finding a Path Through Doubt, Disillusionment, and Dead Ends by Catherine McNiel and Jason Hague
Hi everyone,
This week’s post is an interview with the authors of Mid-Faith Crisis: Finding a Path Through Doubt, Disillusionment, and Dead Ends.
I first met Catherine McNiel a few years back at a writers’ conference, and I got to know her as someone who loved the Lord, loved people, gardening, and had a way with words! So, when I saw that she had a new book out, co-written with her friend Jason Hague, I wanted to know more. The title of the book intrigued me, and I hope it spikes your curiosity!
Catherine and Jason share stories from their lives, including tales of doubt, disillusionment, and how navigating a crisis or even deconstruction can be normal and sometimes healthy for us.
Mid-Faith Crisis is now available for purchase, and I hope everyone will grab a copy, read it, and have the opportunity to discuss it in a small group or with a friend.
Here is the interview:
What kind of expectations did you have for your life of faith and spirituality when you were younger? Where did those expectations come from?
Jason
My young faith life was filled with delusions of grandeur. I thought I would be a great leader, or a hugely successful speaker, or some other huge asset to God’s team. Those expectations came largely from my community, which talked often of how my generation would be the one to complete the Great Commission, and thus, would be special. Also, I had a lot of zeal, and in that environment, zeal was valuable currency, so I was extra special. Thus, I thought I would be a big deal.
Catherine
My childhood community and faith story were pretty different from Jason’s (that’s why it worked so well for us to write about faith crisis together!). I grew up in a farming community still very connected to its immigrant roots, and we were expected to not be a great anything but to keep our heads down, work hard, stay faithful, and contribute to the community without drawing attention or making a big deal about it. But that didn’t work out the way I expected, either!
If there was a time when your faith experience did not match what you were taught to expect, how did you reconcile the gap between the “plans” you might have believed God had for you and the reality of life & experiences?
Jason
When I hit my thirties, I hit a series of family health crises that stunned me. I didn’t grow up hearing prosperity messages declaring that I would never be sick, but I grew up watching American TV commercials, and that was enough to make me expect a life that would mostly be pain-free, except for the occasional life difficulty. It took me a while to recognize the resentment I felt toward God about all that. But over time, I came to see that those expectations were cultural, not biblical. And I’ve found God’s presence in the midst of pain to be a truly wonderful gift.
Catherine
If I had any particular expectations about my faith experience, or the “plans” God might have for me, I don’t really remember what they were. My life was shaken to the core while I was still in childhood (as I write about in Mid-Faith Crisis!). Looking back, I realize that my faith was built on top of that destruction, after and in the midst of that suffering. These were hard, terrible years that I’m not thankful for in any way, but I do realize there is a gift in finding faith and trust in God in the midst of pain and not expecting God to provide a life free of pain.
You both speak of facing struggles and challenges in faith communities. What role has disappointment played in shaping your current beliefs?
Catherine
Since the pain I experienced in my faith community happened so early on in my life, I would say that this experience has formed my current faith and beliefs entirely! I think this protects me from coming to faith, God, or community with rose-colored glasses, which can be a bummer, because it’s hard for me to trust or be vulnerable. But the gift is that I’m not shaken or surprised by the normal difficulties of life. I’ve learned how to distinguish between toxic communities and imperfect-but-compassionate ones. Understanding that no one is going to be perfect, but we cannot tolerate abuse—that distinction is so important, I think.
Jason
I have felt deep disappointment at all the ugly scandals that have emerged from Christian leaders in recent years. The Ravi Zacharias story hit me hard, and I’m glad it did. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, but I think it’s appropriate to be disappointed. I don’t ever want to get cynical. Followers of Christ really ought to do better than these men have done. So I think it’s okay to feel that sting, and to identify with the victims of these catastrophes, who weep from all the brokenness.
How has your relationship with the religious community changed over time & how do you approach it today?
Jason
I grew up in the Bible Belt, where everything was “fine” all the time. There was a cultural dynamic in which nobody wanted to admit their pains, resentments, or doubts. I live in the Pacific Northwest now, and while the culture is a little more open, I still find that Christians often fear being honest with God and with one another. So I routinely try to invite them to admit the places where their heart throbs. That’s where God has met me, and I think that’s where God wants to meet them, too.
Catherine
This is such a big question for me! I tell this story in Mid-Faith Crisis, and even that is a shortened version of the past several decades of wrestling with this topic and question in my real life and relationships. If I had to summarize this into just a few sentences, I think I went from extremely earnest and open-hearted to extremely afraid and untrusting. And now, through decades of earnest work, I’ve learned how to move into a more authentic, open-heartedness that allows me to shepherd others who are facing (or may someday face) the kinds of troubles I encountered. I felt alone; I don’t want others to feel alone if they don’t have to.
What have you learnt about God and yourself through periods of spiritual struggle and doubt?
Jason
I have learned that God doesn’t demand we understand all mysteries, or that we hold onto doctrinal certainty all the time. The world is large and mysterious. Theology is old and full of paradox. It’s ok to feel disoriented. It’s OK to be on a journey. In fact, I think God is honored when we choose to keep walking through seasons of hard questions. I used to feel shame when doubt showed up. Now, oddly, I feel a sense of affirmation, because I’m still walking down the path, even if I feel a bit dizzy. I think this is a small picture of faithfulness.
Catherine
Again, this is the story of my whole life! But as I share in Mid-Faith Crisis, my testimony is that in my suffering, my fear, my alone-ness—that is where God found me. It didn’t feel like he was finding me at the time. There is nothing in the wilderness that feels redemptive, no silver linings to evil. But looking back, I see that God was planting and nurturing seeds of new life among the death I was walking through. And that is where my faith has come from. Everything I know about God I learned in my times of suffering. If I can use that to come alongside readers and let them know they aren’t alone, I will be grateful.
