Pivoting Away from Comparison and Jealousy
Today's Substack is a Guest Post by my friend and author Dorina Gilmore-Young.
WHEN I WAS A NEWLY-MINTED WIDOW, I started to struggle with envy. In those early days of grief, it was excruciatingly hard for me to see all the summer vacation photos of daddies playing with their kids, the pictures of wedding anniversary celebrations, and the perfectly photographed family Christmas cards. Feelings I had never faced before rose up inside me. My heart was pricked with envy and jealousy as I struggled to manage the reality of desperately missing my man and the challenge of trying to parent my three daughters alone.
We often use the words jealousy and envy interchangeably, but there are some important nuances. Jealousy is motivated by the fear of losing
something or someone, like a friend. On the flip side, envy is aroused by wanting someone else’s possessions, qualities, or talents.
Comparison is a tool Satan uses to divide us, discourage us, and push us into isolation instead of into flourishing together as a community. Just
think about all the Bible stories that deal with jealousy and envy: Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Rachel and Leah—even the disciples had to work through rampant jealousy and envy toward each other.
In my own life, I have watched friendships grow toxic, neighbors isolate, and marriages grow bitter because of envy and jealousy. As a mama of three daughters, I’ve realized how important it is to process these feelings regularly.
The Bible challenges us to be on guard against these thoughts. Peter paints a powerful picture in his first letter: “So clean house! Make a clean
sweep of malice and pretense, envy and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God” (1 Peter 2:1–3, MSG).
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that sets us up for constant comparison. Social media is one area where envy and jealousy are often stirred up. We get a glimpse of a gorgeous family photo or an anniversary date, and we feel envious, wishing we had what they have. This is especially challenging when we are grieving. What do we do with those feelings? One defense is to acknowledge and name them. We don’t need to shame ourselves, but we should gently examine why we might feel that way. After we have given ourselves space to feel our feelings, we can try out some other strategies for moving away from jealousy and comparison.
Bounce jealous or envious thoughts. In other words, if I look at someone or see something that makes me jealous or envious, I bounce that thought out of my mind. Instead of letting myself dwell on it, I turn away from the scarcity mindset that tells me there are not enough blessings to go around.
Rejoice with that other person. I might send a quick word of encouragement, share a compliment, or simply whisper a word out loud to myself
as a way of rejoicing with that person for the gift they’ve been given.
Pivot toward something edifying. If I notice I have consistent feelings of jealousy or envy showing up, I intentionally unfollow people or even take a break from social media and spend time in God’s Word. It’s okay to be choosy about how much you engage with social media in different seasons.
Offer up gratitude. Start a gratitude list in a journal or share what you are grateful for on social media. Gratitude can shift our hearts.
Let’s stop living with a scarcity mindset and instead bask in the abundance only God can provide.
*This devotional is an excerpt from Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young's new book, Breathing Through Grief. More details here.
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