Reflections from 2022

Spotify sends us a list of our top songs every year in December. I don’t always pay attention to the list,but my top song caught my eye this year. I had assumed my top song would be a typical praise song or maybe Taylor Swift, but I was surprised to see it was Open Hands by Laura Story.

I have been listening to Laura Story for many years. I was introduced to her music through her famous song Blessings. Blessings was a song that got me through the birth of our daughter in 2007 and some painful family issues. I have the lyrics of Blessings written on a chalkboard in my kitchen to remind myself that tears and heartbreak are often “God’s mercies in disguise.”

But Open Hands is a different type of song. It speaks of letting go completely, of surrender. We speak of surrender all the time in church. It is such a “Christianese” term. We encourage people to surrender their problems to God and tell them to “let go and let God.” Yet, as believers, we do not often sit and contemplate what surrender means. What does “letting go and letting God” mean? Is it easy to let go? Can we, humans programmed to control our lives and orchestrate our every decision, surrender? And if we can surrender, what does it mean?

Does it mean we do not plan or work hard? Does it mean we give up on everything? Or does it mean we say, “God, I surrender all,” and then go about trying to do everything our way and fighting hard to hold control? After all, the world repeatedly tells us to plan, make lists, be proactive, and control the situation.

Being asked to surrender and trust God seems radically counter-cultural and perhaps even stupid. But that is what this song speaks about.

The opening lines of the song:

The sweetest sound, the highest praise

Is the letting go of this life you gave

Our greatest prayer our active faith

Is an open hand Lord, Have your way

If, as followers of Christ, we are asked to let go of this life God has given us and ask God to have His way with us, how radical would that faith look like? What would we look like to the world around us? My husband has been on an exploration of his faith journey over the last few years, and one of the things he often tells me is how hard it has been for him to be able to surrender to God. To allow God to take control. To be able to say, “God let your will be done, not mine.”

We sometimes rattle off those lines from The Lord’s Prayer without thinking.

“Thy will be done in earth, As it is in heaven,” but this is a powerful line. To be able to say, Lord, not my will but yours. As humans, we are not wired to give up the feeble control we exert over our lives; we think we are doing great things by exerting control. But the reality is, as Laura Story says, we need to stop clenching our fists and living a life of fear but be able to cast it all on the shoulders of the One who is strong.

A clenching fist, a life of fear

A burden held has no place here

Cause you call me now to cast it all

On the shoulders of the One who strong

2022 was a year of surrender in our family in many ways. We had to give up the dreams we had built around education and the collegiate life for our child. Things did not go as expected, and my husband and I were shattered. There was deep anxiety and fear around the future for our child. The only way we knew we could get through it was by living a life of open hands.

As the song says:

Take it all every hope, every dream, every plan
Take it all, every weight, all the shame, and Brokenness
Jesus, I surrender every Victory and loss
Take it all till all I have is open hands

We realized our dreams and hopes were wrapped up in our children’s achievements. We said we wanted them to have the best education and jobs, and we tried to set them up for the best possible future. But we learned that the only thing we could do was give up our dreams to God; we needed to give up our plans and desires and trust God with the Victory and the loss. We needed to give up our desire for control and live life with open hands, knowing God was in control. He loves our children more than we do. He has a plan for their future. We do not know what that might look like, but we know we are called to surrender.

I had to learn to say,

I'm not afraid of what I'll lose; my greatest joy is finding you

I was holding onto our dreams and desires with a clenching fist, and I had to learn to let go, and in doing so, I was able to discover joy in the Lord. I was able to delight in God’s goodness and His faithfulness.

Over and over in 2022, these lessons of surrender and living life with open hands repeated in different circumstances. I wish I could say that I understood it, but being stubborn and pigheaded, I constantly questioned God and rebelled against Him. I, of course, wanted things my way, and I desperately wanted to orchestrate my life.

I was terrified of letting go of my dreams because I knew if I let go, I might lose them. I needed to learn that my greatest joy was finding God and delighting in Him. It has not been easy. It has challenged me to the core and shaken so many assumptions about my life, my culture, and my faith formation. I have felt bereft at times because surrendering to God and living with open hands requires me to trust radically.

I had to remind myself that even when I do not know what the future holds, I trust the One who holds my lot. Such lines are cliched, and we see them on t-shirts and coffee mugs, but they are true. Being able to surrender and live life with open hands is scary and unsettling, but it has taught me that this is the way of a follower of Christ.

This quote from Brother Lawrence in his book, The Practice of the Presence of God, has been a good reminder for me.

“Along with this total abandonment must go a complete acceptance of God's will with equanimity and resignation. No matter what troubles and ills come our way, they are to be willingly and indeed joyously endured since they come from God, and God knows what He is doing.

Our lives are not meant to be free of troubles and challenges, but when we exercise control over them, even in ways that the world tells us are good, we turn to the wrong source of comfort and assurance. We need to turn to God; we need to trust Him, and we can choose to live life with open hands, knowing that when we live life with empty hands, our greatest delight is finding God and giving Him the highest praise.

And as we come to the end of 2022, I am thankful for the lessons learnt. I think I am stepping into 2023 with a tad more wisdom than I started, and I hope to continue to be a source of encouragement for others. I don’t have it all together, but none of us do. We will continue to sin and mess up. But we have a heavenly Father who has infinite patience and loves us. There is a reason they call it “sweet surrender.” There is such relief when we stop fighting so hard with ourselves and can let go. God is in control.

Matthew 11:30:  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.