Relevance and practicing the discipline of Irrelevance

Musings of someone struggling between the two lately

It’s been a while since I have worked on writing, and it’s definitely been some time since my last Substack post. Life has taken some new paths, and I am navigating a season of change & new responsibilities.

I wish I could say the same for Dallas, TX, where the weather is still hot, and flip-flops are the shoe of choice!

I have always felt that writing was something I did reluctantly. It helps process thoughts, share stories and ideas, and even wrestle with complicated emotions, but above and beyond, it is cathartic. Having said that, I have found it difficult this season to find time to write. A new part-time job and a new season with different roles have taken me away from contemplating the thoughts filling my brain. These thoughts are the ones that usually end up as musings, and my body and brain have been too tired to have many thoughts.

And without the regular discipline of writing, even short missives, I have left myself facing a feeling, one that I thought I had put to bed. It has reared its ugly head after a long time, and I wouldn’t say I like how it makes me feel.

The feeling of losing “relevance”. I have things to say, and I want to share them, and when I lack the discipline to make time to share them, I fear my words will be forgotten. I fear that I won’t be relevant anymore.

But here is the crazy thing! The only person who actually cares is Me! My selfish and egotistical mind thinks I am relevant and my words are of value. Well, perhaps they could be of value to someone, somewhere, couldn’t they?

I struggle with this feeling, as many of you reading this might. Thank you for reading! Maybe you find my words relevant or need something to put you to sleep.

Relevance, as a word today, has grown in popularity. It has become a catchword of sorts ( a popular, often meaningless phrase). Catchwords hold people captive until they are no longer “relevant” or cease to be popular, and everyone ridicules it! So, today, we use this word with reference to marriage, parenting, schooling our children, sermon prep, and marketing everything from the latest tech toy to sneakers or Christmas trees! We all need whatever is relevant in our lives, and in some form or fashion, we all want to be relevant! Some more than others, and some a tad more willing to admit it! Yes, I want to be relevant and shamelessly admit it here. It’s my blog!

But on a serious note, the desire for relevance exists in all our hearts. As I wrestle with my feelings and try to make sense of my current situation, I am reminded of Henri Nouwen’s writings in his book Reflections on Christian Leadership.

In the book, Nouwen speaks of the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness with the temptation towards relevance. Jesus could have done exactly what was asked and had all the world's kingdoms. Instead, He walked away and lived the life of a servant. I struggle with the relevance society keeps encouraging me to seek while Nouwen talks about the irrelevance of ministry. It is a fine line to walk because, on the one hand, I want to share the truths I am learning in my walk with Christ.

On the one hand, I want to be a source of encouragement for many, but on the other hand, I want to connect with people personally while not blowing my trumpet on Insta squares and other socials. Today, if you do not showcase your work on social media and have a platform, it is almost as if your work does not matter. Note- I said almost; I am wrestling here. Many faithful people do good, solid work in and out of Christian ministry but do not have a highlight reel. And I will add here some do not showcase their work but have faithful friends who will tag and highlight them! Because if you are not telling everyone exactly what you are up to, gosh, are you even doing good work?

In his book, Nouwen says, “The leaders of the future will be those who dare to claim their irrelevance in the contemporary world as a divine vocation...”

He defines relevance as “an obsession with impact, success, and practicality, and as being more closely linked to what we do than who we are… the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things.”

Nouwen defined irrelevance as “walking the way of vulnerability and weakness in connection with the weakness and struggles of the world around us while living in the love of God.”

So, if a true leader is called to claim irrelevancy in this world as a vocation, I would have to ask myself if I am a true leader. My petty and selfish heart may guide many decisions instead of serving faithfully in the margins.

I suppose one would have to ask oneself if the love of God is central to our ministry or if the love of the work of God was the driving force behind me. Nouwen says, “The Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God's love. The great message that we have to carry, as ministers of God's Word and followers of Jesus, is that God loves us not because of what we do or accomplish but because God has created and redeemed us in love and has chosen us to proclaim that love as the true source of all human life.”

Humans do not always question the motives behind our work or our words. Today, being open, honest, and authentic is the way of the world. But living a life of irrelevance is not something we can wake up and start doing. It is a discipline that requires practice. We must practice letting go of impulses to be important in every area of life.

So, I need not tell everyone where we went on vacation or post every picture we took on holiday while saying how blessed we are to visit said place ( note - I have done this). Nor do I need to name-drop while chatting with someone about publishing houses or how a famous author had dinner with me last month. I could keep my mouth shut and let the other person talk! Was I doing it to sound famous, credible, and relevant? Was it helping me make connections and have others think I was “someone” in the industry worth knowing? Was I annoyed that I was stuck in a conversation with a boring albeit “normal” person when a senior editor of a publishing house was trying to catch my eye? Was I thinking, “Hope this woman shuts up soon so I can pitch my book idea”?

Why was I jealous of not being invited to speak at the women’s event at our local church? Why did I need to tell the women’s director I had been a guest on two podcasts the earlier week? Was it a sneaky way to tell her not inviting me was her loss? Why was I annoyed at the women in leadership at that ministry? I have good friends there, but I am upset that I was not invited to sit at the table. I am frustrated they don’t consider me to have anything relevant to share.

I have practiced my relevance so much that I can sound humble while doing it! Being self-deprecating is one thing; sounding “fake humble” is another!

We live in a world where privacy is often considered weird. People share their entire lives on feeds and images, and we are all voyeurs peering into the lives of others. We are all writers, poets, and creatives who curate our social media feeds to look just so. Every holiday, every meal, every date night, and every achievement is highlighted and shared. I anxiously await every post I share to see how many people have liked and commented. For every article and blog, I want to see the stats. I want to know I have impact and value in this little corner of my world. I don’t want to be forgotten ( yes, by publishers, editors, and readers!! ). Note to self: Your family still needs you to buy the milk and OJ and be home for dinner. They have not forgotten you, nor have the friends who invited you to coffee! But gosh, those people are always there, and they are not those from whom I seek value!

We all desire relevance, value, and significance. In my vocation of writing, teaching, and figuring out how to share what God is telling me, I can get caught up in wanting more than what God has in store for me. Desiring it is not wrong, but what we do with that desire makes or breaks us.

Do I continue to lead with humility, walk with those suffering, and do God's work, finding contentment in the margins, or am I constantly running around desperately seeking affirmation, being prideful, and living with fake humility?

Practicing the discipline of irrelevancy has been immensely helpful to me. But during this season, despite having found fulfillment in many areas of life, I have been restless and have ignored the discipline. It takes time, a deep awareness of oneself ( through leading a contemplative life), and giving myself the space to lead life in the backseat. It required me to listen more, speak less, not have to say anything to put the focus on me, and give others the space to be who God had called them to be. It was hard. There are topics that I love to discuss and even know something about; I found it freeing to be in the company of friends and strangers, not having much to contribute to the conversation but just enjoying the company. But were these people of value to me and my life? Did it even matter? The God I serve spent most of His life surrounded by people from the margins who added no value to His life. But He loved and served them well. They did not add to His ministry from a worldly sense at all.

But in the process of this discipline, I have found freedom and grace and even learnt the valuable lesson of not taking myself too seriously.

Writing this blog has been cathartic for me. I do not know if I am relevant or not. Because I am human and a sinner, I am sure this is something I will struggle with constantly. But in the meantime, I am learning to listen to my heart. I speak up in conversations and share nuggets of things happening in my life. I do not hide things, but I am conscious of examining my heart, desires, and motives while speaking. Those mixed motives and desires will always be there, wrestling inside me and all of us.

But the sweet feeling of freedom was comforting. I learnt to practice contentment in the margins, in feeling unimportant. I did not feel desperate to tell people about me or my work. I don’t think I ever did, but I just wanted to be seen, and I was terrified people would forget me or my worth! But my worth is in Christ, and practicing the discipline of irrelevancy taught me that it is possible to change the motivation of my heart. So, when the desire for relevance rears its ugly head again, and it will, I hope I have sufficient muscle memory and strength to remind myself of the joy of being irrelevant in Christ’s kingdom.

Nouwen, Henri J. M. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership. India: St Pauls, 1999.