What do I write about? Do I have anything to say? Does anyone care?
Musings, Ramblings of someone who could have writer's block!
I haven't written on my Substack in a while. I have had a few other projects that required my attention, and I have been feeling emotionally drained while navigating the transition to empty nesting. Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed or crying my eyes out. In fact, the child seems to be settling in well and navigating a new season of life, and it brings us great joy to see smiles and hear sarcasm in texts. And my last essay on Community took a teeny toll on me.
Writing and talking about community ( something that I genuinely love) is tiring me these days. I have felt a dissonance in my soul the last year as we have navigated the steps towards empty nesting and figuring out what life looks like and what our circle and community look like. From the outside, we have what others would call a rich and diverse community, and I agree, we are the lucky ones! But on some days, it's complex, complicated, confusing, and messy. I am never entirely sure how the people in my circle react to life's circumstances.
Whether it’s college choice, job choice, marriage, or navigating a newly married life, should I stay in a church, should I leave, which group do I join, will I be accepted there, will my child be accepted there, how do I empty nest, do I travel, buy a new home, attend every college game with my child, do I move from being involved in high school activities to being involved in the collegiate life?
These are not questions from others - but my brain! I find myself buffeted by my own questions and worries and probably a healthy amount of dysfunction.
So I have not exactly known what to write or ramble about, so taking a little encouragement from
, I am writing about what I know. Bonnie wrote about cleaning a house in her Substack today, so go read that! I have been where she is now with little children, and the house always seemed cluttered, but we no longer have that problem! If anything, my husband and I now keep a very tidy, organized house with fewer sneakers and cups of water lying around. The second floor is eerily quiet and neat!Life still moves along, and the sun rises every day, so I am figuring out a new rhythm of life. The need to wake up at the crack of dawn is no longer there, and I love that my husband empties the dishwasher every morning - a chore I hated for years! Given that he loves hospital corners on our bed, I am glad he took over this chore as well! Although I sometimes wonder if he likes it better now that the dishwasher is never quite full. Hmm?
The grocery list is much shorter these days, and seeing as I am part of the generation consuming obscene amounts of protein every day, my cooking is boring and easy!
I find myself reading a lot more now. I always read, but the need to get up and make dinner, or run errands, is a tad slower, so I can pace myself better. Currently I am reading:
Becoming the Pastor’s Wife: How Marriage Replaced Ordination as a Woman’s Path to Ministry -
All That is Made- The Comfort of Contemplative Prayer -
What I want to read next is The Future of Christian Marriage by Mark Regnerus. Regnerus is a sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin, and I have found his essays and arguments fascinating.
Secretly, I dream someday about going back to school to study Sociology! It has been a subject of great fascination for me, and a girl can have dreams, right?
So #1. Empty nesting won’t kill you, but it teaches both parents & children to be strong, and you have more time to read & maintain a tidy home.
Along with reading, I now have a day job at Dallas Theological Seminary, where I find myself having conversations with students contemplating Theological careers & going into ministry!
Here is a little bit about me, for those of you who might not know yet: I have a degree in Theology. I often tell people it’s a small, tiny degree. My friend, professor, and mentor, Dr.Sandra Glahn, reminds me frequently that I have impostor syndrome, and I probably do. I often feel that only those who have hammered away at 66-120 hours are usually worthy of a seminary degree, and mine was not nearly as much. I believe today that my reason for having said degree was due to a midlife crisis I didn't know I was having.
I was bored with life. I was an excellent wife, mother, and homemaker. I had done every Bible study I could find and read every parenting book by James Dobson, as well as every marriage book by Mark Driscoll (there is a Substack essay in both of those - for another day), and I needed more. I had spent 9 years in Bible Study Fellowship and facilitated so many tables at women’s Bible study, so I decided I needed to go to seminary!
I figured that between driving my children to tennis, choir, ballet, and math classes, I could squeeze in classes on Bible exposition, Trinitarianism, and Systematic Theology! It was a season of drinking water from a fire hydrant, and once it was done, I swore I would never touch a book on theology ever again, nor would I ever go back to seminary!
Little did I know that I would end up working there. It has been a fascinating season of listening to students share about their ministry experiences and their dreams. Some days, I wonder how life would have turned out if I had entered into ministry by taking on a church job, and for a season, that was what I wanted. To me, going to seminary meant ending up working at and for a church. But I have found that using my theological education in the “real world,” so to speak, has been where I have felt led and where God seems to be leading me still. Each of us is called and created in unique ways, and all we ought to do is be obedient. Starting to work in an office and actually getting out of the house by 8:30 am at this season of life has been novel, interesting, crazy, and fun! It was not what I ever expected!
So #2. God blesses you in the most unexpected ways, and waiting for His answer is a period of deep Spiritual growth. So, if you happen to be waiting, know that you are okay; He is still working, and He has a sense of humor!
The other area where I have been wrestling with God is engaging with people. When horrible, terrible, and evil things happen around us and we are bombarded with information and opinions from across all sides, it is hard to understand and make sense of things. Multiple times, I have felt the need to log on and share my feelings and thoughts. But every time I stopped because I was not sure what to say, and I struggled with formulating an opinion for myself. I was not even clear if I needed to have an opinion. The deluge of content that washed over all of us was overwhelming, and I felt a bit like a drowned rat, shivering in a corner. Emotionally and mentally draining, it was a rough week, and moments still are.
Engaging with people online and in person felt complicated. I was not going to stick my head in the sand and ignore things or pretend that people around me were not hurt, but it felt monumental to make sense of things. I have processed my feelings enough for the moment. Who knows when things will change, but those are for me, and I am not quite ready to share.
Clearing my algorithm by watching golden retriever videos helps for the time being and brings a smile to my face. Sitting with Compline at the end of the day helps immensely, as does starting my day with Lectio365.
We will never know all the answers, and sometimes its ok to sit in God and trust His mysteries.
So, #3 We need to read different opinions, we need to listen to different views, we need to engage with people, listen, sit, not respond immediately via social media, think, think again, and think some more, pray before we offer an opinion and we need to pray, for others and for ourselves, for our wicked hearts that often deceive us in to thinking we are better than others. Oh, we need to be aware that our hearts are deceptive above all else, and we live in a world of “my truth”.
Here are some things I have read recently to try to make sense of things:
Charlie Kirk is Not a Scapegoat, Stef McDade
We are remembering two different Charlie Kirks,
There is no ‘They’, only ‘We’. Jonah Goldberg, The Dispatch
The Face of the Young Right, John McCormack & Michael Warren
There Are Monsters in Your Midst, Too, David French
Mary Katherine Ham: Look for God
I could go on, but this will suffice, and yes, this too can be a deluge for so many of us, and in those times, we can pray this prayer:
A Liturgy for Those Flooded by Too Much Information, Every Moment Holy
At some point during this season, I will have more creative ideas and topics to write on. If you, dear readers, have any suggestions, do drop them in the comments. Thank you for taking the time to read my musings, ahem, “ramblings,” and if you have made it this far, you are a generous friend indeed!
Share your thoughts with me, and perhaps we can have a discussion and engage with each other :)
Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 😊
This is good! I am just a year from empty nesting. And thinking about all the changes that would bring.
What are the biggest changes for you?