To remodel or not. That is the question.

The musings of someone dealing with discontent, comparison, and wanting her own way.

Last month, I found myself back on Instagram. As you might have read in my previous posts, I had taken a break and was doing some soul care and feeling more emotionally healthy. Still, I was sucked back in by ads for summer clothing, giveaways ( which I never win), and, of course, the sharing of vacation pictures by friends and family.

So, I found myself standing at the counter, scrolling mindlessly through reels, and caught myself researching kitchen and bathroom remodels. To be fair, a remodel had been on my mind for a few years. We have a lovely home with a slightly outdated style, and I have wanted to change things up.

But life, commitments, and other financial priorities have put the remodel on the back burner. I don’t think about it much, except when I hear of folks doing one or watch home improvement shows!

Still, some of that is sufficient to cause me to feel a little comparison in my head and a little discontent in my heart! A dear friend often says, “Comparison is the thief of contentment.” She said that to me over a decade ago, and while I have it scribbled on my kitchen cabinet, I prefer to live in denial!

After all, what is wrong with dreaming, wishful thinking, or browsing Pinterest for ideas and creating a mood board? There is no harm in emailing a few designers and builders, is there? Choosing paint colors and flooring choices is a tad out there. Still, it is only a dream, right?

But often, those thoughts can take us down a toxic spiral. And that is where I headed this week. We had spent the last month or so with many events, celebrations, friends, and family, and I had been in and out of many homes. I started to compare my home with others, and while getting a remodel done is not essentially wrong, it is not the right time for our family.

I allowed myself to get into a state where complaining and comparing the lack of sent me into a headspace that I knew was not healthy. I knew what I had. I know what my home affords me and the joy, laughter, and many happy times I have experienced, and still, my heart is not satisfied. Still, my heart wanted more.

I suppose you could ask if wanting something is wrong. Is the desire for some new paint, a piece of furniture, or new lights essentially sinful? I would argue no.

I spent much of the last few days telling myself that my desires were sinful and asking God to take them away. Yes, He can if He chooses. But sometimes, I need to work more with Him to get my “disordered desires” right. God is not the one standing there and telling me I cannot have a new kitchen! He delights in giving us good things in accordance with His will. He is not spiteful or petty. I was wallowing in my self-pity and telling myself not to want to.

In her Substack, A Habit Called Faith, Jen Pollock Michel writes, “ To be human is to want, To be Christian is to desire to want well.”

This desire of mine and many others hidden in my heart may continue to exist and creep up in the most unexpected times. I will always have to guard my heart against comparison and envy and remind myself to “desire well.” Could I someday have the kitchen and home of my dreams? Perhaps yes, or possibly no.

But until then, I will remember God’s many blessings on me in my current kitchen. The sounds of friends and family laughing over a meal, wiping up spills, packing away leftovers, and clearing bags of trash after huge gatherings. We have hosted many groups, birthdays, and our children’s college friends. The old and scratched-up dining table has seen years of homework, art projects, Bible studies, long conversations, times of prayer, and lots of tears, happy and sad. It has good bones.

I will ask God to remind me of His generosity in my life and that of my family, even though I often see only the lack. Instead of focusing on all I have, I am so short-sighted that I see only what is absent.

In John 6:5-11 we read the story of Jesus feeding the multitude. Jesus saw the crowds coming toward Him, and He knew they were hungry; they needed food. His disciples could only see what they lacked and how much money it would cost to feed the thousands. But Jesus already knew. He thanked His Father for the small basket of fish and bread and shared it generously with the masses. In the story, we read how everyone ate and was satisfied. They lacked nothing.

Today, I already know I lack nothing. I have everything I could ever want, from a home to a house. More than just basic needs, I live in luxury compared to a large percentage of this world. So, while the sinner in me will always struggle against worldly desires, I will ask God to open my eyes to see all I have and count my many blessings, naming them one by one and asking God how I can share them generously with the people around me.

Photo by Sergei Sushchik on Unsplash